


You Learn To Live Without

by Augurey_Ray



Series: Always Starting Over [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Attempt at suicide, Bisexual James, Bisexual Scorpius, Boggarts, Coming Out, Completed, Cursed Child compliant, Eventual Scorbus get together, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gay Albus, Gen, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, Quidditch, Self Harm, Strangers to Friends, bit of angst, quidditch captain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:48:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24667870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Augurey_Ray/pseuds/Augurey_Ray
Summary: James Sirius Potter had everything. He was popular with lots of friends and right on track to being Head Boy. Now he’s just lost the most important person in his life and is struggling to move on.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, James Sirius Potter & Original Female Character, Scorpius Malfoy/Albus Severus Potter, james sirius potter/craig bowker jr
Series: Always Starting Over [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1791538
Comments: 7
Kudos: 30





	1. Love While You Can

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So this has been my lockdown project and I've really enjoyed writing it. At some points it can be quite sad and I will give trigger warnings before chapters that need them.
> 
> We always see what happens to Albus and Scorpius after going back in time and I've always thought about James myself so this is just my own take on it.
> 
> This fic was inspired by a song title from the musical If/Then and because I'm bad at coming up with chapter titles I decided to use other songs from the show. This fic has nothing to do with the musical I just thought the titles fit.

James was at home when it happened. His parents had ordered Lily and himself to stay at home with their grandparents. He’d sat with Lily on the sofa clutching a hot chocolate for hours. It was now nearing midnight and despite his grandmas demands he go to bed James knew it was useless as he wouldn’t be sleeping at all that night. His anxiety was sky high and increasing by the second. Molly Weasley walked back into the room and sat in the armchair opposite where James sat with Lily asleep against his arm.

“You should really think about going to sleep Jamie.” She said softly. “Even just a short nap. I’ll wake you up if anything happens.” James was tempted. He really was but he would never sleep with this much going through his mind. He shook his head in reply and fixed his eyes on the faint outline of moon outside. For all he knew that’s where Albus could be right now. No one was telling him anything and it was getting frustrating.

“Can’t I just go back to school? I’d feel better there.” James asked.

“Your parents want you to stay here and that is what I am enforcing.”

Teddy arrived some time later and James didn’t notice as he perched on the arm of the sofa beside him.

“Any news Teddy?” Molly asked.

“Afraid not. I don’t know any more than you do.” He sighed wrapping an arm round James’ shoulder. “You alright?” He whispered. James gave him a look and Teddy pulled him closer. Teddy could always read James. Their secret relationship had lasted 2 years because of their incredible ability to understand each other at any given time. He also happened to be one of only three people who knew about James’ relationship with Craig Bowker Jr and in that moment all James’ eyes could tell him was how desperately he wanted his boyfriend in that moment.

All James needed was the comfort of his boyfriend, knowing Albus was safe, but of course his parents hadn’t understood when he’d asked if Craig could come home with him. James didn’t realise he was wringing his hands until Teddy grabbed hold of them.

“Hey, calm down.” Teddy murmured. It was pointless when he noticed the suspicious stare of Molly Weasley. “You need a distraction.” He said quickly dropping James’ hands. Without saying anything James carefully stood up, as not to jostle Lily too much, and walked out of the living room. He stumbled wearily into Harry’s office. It was a mess but after a quick search through the filing cabinets he found a spare roll of parchment and a self inking quill. James sunk into a chair at the kitchen table and hovered the quill over the parchment.

“What’re you writing?” Lily lowered herself into the chair beside him. He jumped in surprise accidentally splattering some ink across the paper.

“I-“ James stammered. He hadn’t realised how much he was shaking, including his voice. “I just want to talk to Craig.” Lily gave him a sympathetic look. 

“It won’t reach him until tomorrow. Wouldn’t a floo call be better?” She suggested.

“He won’t answer floo. It’s too late.” James replied miserably. Lily glanced from his shaking hands to his drooping eyes before pulling him into a tight hug.

“Please try and sleep.” James began to shake his head, rubbing his hands over his eyes. “I’ll sit with you if you’re scared. Just, please.” She begged. It was almost impossible to refuse her pleading eyes and he reluctantly agreed.

James lay across the sofa, a blanket draped across his nervous frame, and Lily curled up by his feet. He’d barely drifted off when there was a noise from the floo and Harry, Ginny and Albus stumbled out. When James’ vision cleared he only stared as Ginny wrapped Albus in her arms and lead him up the stairs. Albus hadn’t noticed him. He hadn’t noticed anyone in the room. Ginny was gently pushing Lily away as she desperately tried to reach her brother and Harry followed them upstairs after reassuring Lily that everyone was okay.

Mrs Weasley encouraged them both upstairs shortly after with strict instructions to go straight to their own bedrooms. Lily gave James a fleeting hug before entering her own bedroom. James’ room was at the furthest end of the hallway. He’d have to pass Albus’ room to get there.

Albus’ door was open and James peeked his head inside. Harry and Ginny sat either side of him on the bed as he sobbed his heart out to them. James didn’t dare to make a sound as he took in the heartbreaking image of his brother. He’d never seen him look so broken. Harry noticed him first. It must’ve shown on James’ face because he allowed him to stay even if James didn’t dare get any closer. Albus looked up briefly, his eyes widening when he saw James. James began to back out of the room worried that he’d scared his brother away again but Albus let out a strangled protest. It surprised them all as Albus hadn’t spoken since they had returned home. He then surprised them even more as he stood up and wrapped his arms around James’ shoulders and began sobbing into his chest. It was difficult to make out his words over the loud sniffling.

“I- Delphi- Craig-“ He choked. “I’m sorry.” James didn’t miss the grimace his parents shared.

“What’s he talking about!?” He demanded. “What about Craig?” Harry carefully pulled Albus from James and Ginny wrapped an arm round her sons shoulder, rubbing his back soothingly.

“Delphi was an awful person Jamie as I’m sure you can guess. We’re lucky Albus and Scorpius are safe. But she’s locked up in Azkaban now. There’s nothing to be afraid of.” She said, her voice soft and motherly. 

“What about _Craig_?” James pleaded again. Tears began to blur his view and he saw Albus physically flinch at the mention of his name.

“Delphi didn’t spare everyone. Craig was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“So he’s dead?” James hadn’t realised what his mum was trying to say until he said it out loud himself. He didn’t need any confirmation. Albus’ continuous sobbing made it quite clear. The world went black around him as his knees slammed into the floor. He could barely hear the voices of his parents trying to speak to him. After what could only have been a couple of seconds James came crashing back to earth. He was lying across Albus’ bedroom floor, his head in his mothers lap as she stroked his hair. Albus sat beside him holding his hand tightly in his own. Albus was the only person in the room who understood exactly why James was so upset. Losing a friend was one thing but Craig was his _soulmate_. James couldn’t live without him.

James wasn’t sure how long he lay there. It must’ve been hours. Harry had left the room and Albus was curled up on the floor beside him, still clutching his hand. Ginny hadn’t moved and James had made no effort to sleep despite how much his head hurt and how dry his eyes felt.

“Mum?” He whispered. Ginny hummed in response. “Can I see him. Please.”

“Tomorrow darling. When you’ve had some sleep.” James couldn’t protest. His face was sore and his body ached from lying on the floor but there was no time to adjust his position before sleep over took him. 

~*~

The next morning James felt numb. He was returning to Hogwarts upon his own request to see Craig. Lily was accompanying him before she went to lessons. Ginny had wanted James to stay home for a few days like Albus was. James had a feeling she knew more than he thought she did and she understood how important this was to James.

He couldn’t stomach breakfast and after travelling through the floo he wasn’t sure how much longer he could go before he threw up. Professor McGonagall looked exhausted as she greeted them and lead them down to the entrance hall. The small room off of the Great Hall, the one that was usually used as a gathering room for the first years once they’d crossed the lake, was now dimly lit. An open casket stood in the middle, decorated with large flower arrangements. Professor McGonagall left them alone and Lily gripped James’ arm reassuringly. Very slowly he made his way to the edge of the casket. Craig was dressed in his school robes, his green beanie covered his smooth black hair with only his fringe lightly covering his eyes. James smiled when he noticed the prefect badge still pinned perfectly to his collar.

One look at Craig’s peaceful face sent tears trailing down James’ cheeks and before he knew it he’d collapsed into Lily’s arms. She stroked his hair gently until he forced himself back to his feet.

“Could I maybe have a second alone?” He asked. Lily smiled sadly and gave him another hug. 

“I have to go to my first lesson anyway. Promise me you’ll go straight home again?” James nodded. “Make sure to owl me then and let me know how Al is doing.” When she’d left the room the weight of everything fell down hard. There was so much James wanted to say to Craig. Desperate for him to hear. He stroked the soft skin of Craig’s cheek. It was unnaturally cold, an immediate reminder that this was real. James stifled a sob.

“Craig.” He whispered. “There’s so much I want to say. But I can’t. It sounds stupid but I didn’t know what else to do so I wrote you a letter. Obviously you’ll never read it but everything I feel I need to say is in it.” James took the envelope from his pocket. He stared at it for a few long seconds before sliding it into Craig’s robe pocket. Despite the unsettling feeling building within him James took Craig’s hand. “I love you. I really really love you and I know it’s gonna sound dumb cuz we’re barely 17 but I really thought you were the one. I can’t imagine myself with anyone but you.” The tears were falling faster now and James was at the point where there was no way to control them. “I have no idea how I’m going to come back from all of this but I’m going to try. I’m going to try for you because I know that’s what you would have wanted.” A few tear drops landed on the pale skin of Craig’s face. James wiped them away delicately as though Craig would crack if he wasn’t careful enough.

He wasn’t sure for how long he had stood there when the door opened again and Craig’s parents stood in the doorway. They didn’t look surprised to see James at all. Mrs Bowker rushed towards James immediately. They were the only adults who knew of James and Craig’s relationship. James thought his parents would never understand how serious he was about it so he never mentioned it. She opened her arms to him and he fell gratefully into them. When he pulled away she placed a hand round his shoulders.

“It’s all going to be okay.” She said. She seemed calm but James assumed she’d had plenty of time now to realise the brutal truth, that her son was dead. A truth James was only just beginning to believe. She seemed to sense that James was tense as she changed the subject. 

“How’s Albus holding out?” She asked. 

“Hmm I haven’t really been paying attention too much.” James said feeling guilty that he hadn’t thought enough about his brother after he’d been through so much. He buried his head in his hands. “I’m such a bad brother.”

“Don’t say that. You’ve had your own things to worry about. I’m sure he understands.” James nodded. He didn’t fully believe her but he appreciated it.

“I should probably leave but will you let me know the funeral details?” These were words he never expected to have to say so soon.

“Of course.” Mrs Bowker smiled weakly. “You’ll be the first to know.”

“Thanks. For everything.” She pulled him in for another hug.

“He loved you a lot. Never shut up about you actually.” She gave him a watery chuckle. This made James smile.

Adjusting wouldn’t be easy. Craig was his everything. 

~*~

James was sandwiched between Craig’s parents and his own family at the funeral. Mrs Bowker on one side, occasionally rubbing his back for comfort, and Albus on the other, holding his hand tightly. He knew how incredibly hard it was for Albus and Scorpius to sit through for their own reasons. Albus still blamed himself for everything despite being constantly told it wasn’t his fault. Even Mr and Mrs Bowker agreeing hadn’t taken that guilt away. The hand holding was just as much for Albus as it was for James himself.

When the service was over James hung back to say a final goodbye before the body was to be buried. He’d held back tears long enough and now that no one was paying him any attention he let everything spill. It was Ginny who interrupted him first.

“James? Are you okay?” She asked gently. James didn’t speak. He wanted to say something but he just couldn’t. So he gave her a small shake of the head before walking away back into the midst of the gathering. 

~*~

Going back to school felt wrong. James didn’t go back until after Christmas. He just couldn’t bring himself to be around other people but Ginny had persuaded him to go back, letting him know that he could come home whenever he needed a break. That was the same rule she’d given Albus. 

On the train he didn’t seek his friends out. If anything he needed to be away from them. They were a constant reminder that someone was missing. Instead he sat with his sister and a few of his cousin’s. Lily, Hugo and Molly. They were quite a bit younger than him but they didn’t seem to mind as he sat quietly staring out of the window.

Arriving at Hogwarts, no one batted an eyelid. Almost as though no one had even noticed he’d been gone. James sat with his family at dinner, like tradition, but he couldn’t stomach much and dismissed himself early for bed. His friends in the dorms attempted a conversation but in the end gave up when James failed to correspond.

Most of the year went by like this. James isolated himself from everyone. He did homework alone, he spent every weekend alone, he’d even rejected many girls when they asked him out to Hogsmead. Something that James would’ve never done a year previous. He’d always been known for his social status. Always going out with another girl until he got drunk at a quidditch victory party and confessed his crush on his best friend, Craig. Since then it had been Craig this and Craig that. 

Quidditch had become his only distraction and James spent most of his free time practising to become captain in his seventh year. The team never spoke much so James didn’t feel the constant pressure of having to answer any questions.

On his broom he felt free and it was easy to forget everything when he was flying. Everything but Craig. Some things can never be forgotten. They’re always going to be there and there’s always going to be a gaping hole left behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the first chapter. I'm planning on uploading a new chapter every Wednesday or more often if possible but that's the routine I'd like to try and stick to. If you did enjoy please feel free to leave kudos and I love reading comments so let me know what you think! ✨
> 
> Twitter - @ray_fish_  
> Instagram - @augurey_ray  
> If you wanna come and say hello!


	2. No More Wasted Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the start of James' seventh year and he's looking forward to a fresh start. As Quidditch Captain it's easy to stay distracted but James thinks it might be nice to have at least one friend.

**10 months later:**

Seventh year. The year of new beginnings. James was determined to start new, make new friends and do better in his subjects. It had been long enough and he knew he needed to move on. With NEWT exams and being Quidditch Captain he hoped to be very busy this year. Staying busy had become his coping mechanism over the summer. Every time something needed doing James would jump at the chance. He’d participate in every family Quidditch game, go to every family dinner at the Burrow, clean his bedroom, help his mum clean the kitchen. Anything to keep his mind from bringing up any dark thoughts. 

It was all a lot harder at night. James had been suffering from nightmares since October and they’d never stopped. He hoped that going back to Hogwarts might help since he wouldn’t be sleeping in a room on his own.

September 1st 2021 fell on a Wednesday. Lessons wouldn’t start until Monday so there was plenty of time to settle back down. The first few days found James organising Quidditch tryouts and booking slots for when his team could practice. He decided on every Tuesday and Thursday evenings and then increasing the intensity once they were further into the season.

On Saturday Albus and Scorpius had invited him to study with them since they would be taking their OWLs at the same time as James took his NEWTs. They sat silently for a while in the back of the library until Albus groaned and slammed his forehead into the table.

“I’m actually so done already and we haven’t even got our timetables yet.”

“Maybe you should’ve finished your homework before the end of the holidays.” Scorpius quirked an eyebrow as he looked up from the book he was reading. James recognised it as an OWL level Charms textbook.

“I’m not as clever as you Scor so it takes me longer.” Albus whined, staring up at Scorpius with pleading eyes. “Will you help me?” James watched as Scorpius immediately softened and a fond smile took over his face.

“Go on then.” He sighed, folding the page of his book and placing it down on the table. Without being too intrusive, James watched them through his fringe. He noticed every time Scorpius accidentally brushed his hand over Albus’ and how Albus would blush and try to compose himself. There was definitely something going on between them but James knew he’d been horrible enough to his brother in the past and he didn’t want to push him away again. The least he could do was ignore whatever was going on between his brother and his brothers best friend.

Monday morning meant the start of lessons and it took all of James’ will power to get out of bed and carry himself to breakfast. He ate alone but was grateful when Professor McGonagall came to deliver his timetable personally.

“Congratulations on Quidditch Captain Potter.” She said, grabbing his attention. 

“Thank you Professor.” James smiled gratefully.

“I knew you’d be a good choice. I think Gryffindor will be in good chance of stealing the cup again this year.” She gave him a small pat on the shoulder before leaving him alone again. James smiled to himself. Gryffindor and Slytherin had been stealing the cup from each other every year. Slytherin had won the year before and the year before that it had been Gryffindor as they’d had a massive party and James had gotten very drunk. He tried to push the thought away. Remembering that night meant remembering the first time he had kissed Craig. The first time he had confessed his feelings to anyone and that was too much for a Monday morning. As a distraction he glanced at his timetable. He had a free before Herbology. That wasn’t too bad. Maybe this year wasn’t going to hurt him as much as the last one had.

James did nothing for the first hour of his day and then rushed to get to Herbology on time. Neville welcomed him in happily with the rest of the class. It was only a small class but many of James’ old friends were sat around the long table. He hadn’t spoken to them for almost a year now and had no intention to pick up from where they’d left off. He took up the only free stool near the back next to a couple of Ravenclaw girls (now that they were in NEWTs the classes were smaller and the houses were completely mixed).

Neville explained how they would be going over a few older bits that they’d learnt because they would also need them for their NEWTs before telling them to divide into pairs for a practical. James sighed. Everyone was pairing off with their friends and he stood up helplessly to collect a pot and some soil, preparing to work alone.

“Hey!” James turned to see a girl a little shorter than himself. Her voice was bright and cheerful. “I noticed you didn’t have a partner. I was wondering if you wanted to work together. I’m Grace.” She smiled softly as she waited for an answer. James stared at her in surprise.

Grace was in Hufflepuff robes with dark hair and a multitude of freckles splattered across her nose and rosy cheeks. Her icy blue eyes sparkled with hope in the morning sunlight.

“Okay, sure.” James attempted a smile. 

“Cool.” James stumbled to grab a trowel from the middle of the table and Grace put her notes down beside him. She watched him expectantly.

“What?” James paused what he was doing.

“What’s _your_ name?” She asked. James stared at her in confusion. He was so used to meeting people who already knew who he was. 

“Oh, umm James.” He stammered.

“Nice to meet you.” Grace sat down beside him and began to make notes as he took care of the practical part. When they were done Neville approved their work and James sat down on his own stool. “Want to copy my notes?” Grace asked, sliding her parchment towards him. 

“Thanks.” He replied, dunking his quill in the ink pot a little harsher than necessary. James tried to ignore the fact that Grace was watching him but it was difficult. He finished copying out the sentence he was on before starting up a conversation to make the atmosphere less awkward.

“I’ve never seen you around before.” He said.

“Oh, yeah. I’ve just transferred from Beauxbatons. My family have just moved back to England so it was just easier that I come here for my final year. I’ve always wanted to experience Hogwarts anyway.” Grace seemed to like talking. Of course it could be a nervous thing but she didn’t seem unsure of herself.

“You’re not French?” James questioned.

“Nope. We’ve just lived there since I was eleven and have only just moved back.” The bell went to signal the end of the lesson. James moved to pass the parchment back but Grace stopped him. “Don’t worry. Finish copying it up and give it back next lesson.” She flashed him another bright smile before gathering up her bag and leaving the greenhouse.

Neville attempted a conversation with James as he hung back, allowing time for the rest of the class to head back to the castle before he left himself. 

The rest of the day couldn’t have gone slower. Double charms followed by potions and transfiguration. By dinner James was so hungry he wasn’t sure he could go much longer without food. He’d skipped lunch after deciding he wanted to avoid talking to as many people as possible.

He took a deep breath before walking through the open doors to the Great Hall. His eyes were quickly drawn to what was unmistakably his family, mostly the Gryffindors, and he quickly strode over and sat down beside Lily. He didn’t speak until he’d piled his plate with food. Lily poured him a glass of pumpkin juice.

“Please drink something James. I know you skipped lunch.” Of course she knew. Everyone always seemed to know everything he did. James gratefully downed the juice and continued ramming food into his mouth as fast as he could. No one seemed to care. Only Rose sent him a disgusted look.

Lily tried to distract him by asking about his plans for Quidditch on the way back to the common room but James was too lost in thought to focus on what she wanted to know.

“Have you noticed anything different about Albus and Scorpius recently?” James asked out of the blue. Lily gave him a perplexed look, hands frozen in the air as she’d been explaining her own ideas for Quidditch drills.

“What do you mean?”

“Well they’re a lot-“ He paused, searching for the right word. “-closer?”

“Yes they’ve been like that since last year. Very touchy and they seem to be able to have silent conversations with their eyes. It’s creepy but adorable.” Lily sighed.

“What are you trying to say?” James was unsure of Lily’s proposition. 

“Come on James. They’re in love! They just won’t admit it. You must’ve noticed.” She rolled her eyes fondly before opening Quidditch Through the Ages for what was probably the fiftieth time. Of course James hadn’t noticed. He’d been far too busy focusing in himself. Surely she knew that.

“I’m going to bed.” He mumbled, getting up from the sofa and climbing the stairs to the boys dormitories. He was relieved to find it empty. The only noise coming from the bathroom which sounded like someone was taking a shower. At least he could sneak behind the hangings of his bed and hide there until morning. Realising it was too early to actually try and sleep, James pulled out his notes from his first day of lessons. He added a few extra points he remembered from charms before flipping through his Herbology textbook. Sandwiched between the pages on Fanged Geraniums were two pieces of parchment. One had his own messy handwriting on it, the other was neater and small. James squinted to read the name at the top.

_Grace Fielding_. 

Grace. That was it. She’d seemed nice enough. James mentally kicked himself as the memories of his first lesson flooded back. He’d been incredibly blunt to the only person who’d willingly spoken to him, excluding his family. Maybe Grace had come to Hogwarts for a new start too. Maybe they both wanted the same things. No, there was no chance she’d actually wanted to befriend him. She was just one of those nice girls with loads of friends who just needed a partner in Herbology. It could’ve happened to anyone. It just so happened that James was the lonely kid with no friends. 

With nothing better to do, James finished up his notes and, checking his watch, decided on a small walk around the grounds with the smallest piece of hope that he might bump into Grace. He folded the parchment neatly and tucked it into his robe pocket. It was a fairly cold day for early September so he grabbed his hat and scarf just to be safe.

After a round of the grounds before dark, James took a longer route back to Gryffindor tower, via every courtyard and then up the main maze of staircases where a few stragglers were hurrying away before curfew. As Quidditch captain James didn’t have to worry about curfew. He was beginning to lose hope when he jumped off one staircase and saw Grace walking briskly towards him in the corridor ahead. Her arms were full of books and she was looking down at something rested on top of them, her brow slightly furrowed.

“Grace!” She looked up, startled and James gave her a small sheepish wave. She picked up her pace and stopped next to him.

“Hi!” She smiled breathlessly. “Nice to see you again.” James doubted that was true but her tone of voice was very convincing. 

“I was actually hoping I’d catch you. I finished copying up your notes.” He opened his hand to reveal the folded parchment. “Thanks, by the way.”

“Wow that was quick. Thank you.” Grace laughed, taking it from him. There was an awkward silence where James lost his ability to speak. He so badly needed to apologise for being rude but he couldn’t quite find the words. Apologies weren’t exactly a James Potter thing.

“Hey!” James and Grace spun round to see Emmeline Bones, head girl, striding towards them. “It’s past curfew so I’m afraid I may have to take house points or even issue detentions.” She gestured to her Head Girl badge proudly.

“It’s alright Emmeline. We’re together.” James held up his Quidditch Captain badge. Grace nodded quickly in agreement. Emmeline looked peeved to have to let them off but she walked away without anymore protest. It was only now that Grace had moved closer that James could see what she’d been looking at before spotting him. It was a map of the school. Grace let out a deep breath.

“Thanks for that. I was suddenly worried I’d be getting detention in my first week.”

“It’s no problem. I’m definitely gonna be abusing this badge.” James joked. “Would you like me to walk you back to the common room? That way you won’t get caught again and I can tell you’re a bit lost.” Grace burst out laughing.

“Very lost.” She confirmed. “I don’t even know which floor I’m on.”

“I can help with that. A little tip, if you stand here you can work out where you are by counting the floors above.” James pointed to the narrow corridors above them that joined to the moving staircases, much like the one they were stood on now. “So there’re two above us which means we’re on the fifth floor.” Grace hummed. “You want the ground floor.” He finished.

They began their descent firstly in silence until James took a deep breath and began to explain himself.

“I’m sorry if I came across as rude earlier. It’s just that I don’t have any friends outside my family. It’s complicated.”

“No, it’s okay. I get it now.”

“Meaning?”

“James is a common name but not many James’ could be Gryffindor Quidditch captain.” She smirked. James tilted his head in confusion and Grace let out a long sigh. “I know who you are now. James Potter.” James groaned. “I’m sorry.” She quickly apologised. 

James had never had a problem with being a Potter. He loved the attention he got from it but more recently, having lost all social status he’d previously had, James had become more introverted and less used to the attention from all his friends.

“It’s alright. You can stop talking to me now you know what a loser I am.” James scuffed his shoes on the stone floor. Grace snorted loudly.

“I barely know you but I do know you’re not a loser.” She stopped as they reached the entrance to the Hufflepuff common room.

“Boring, stupid, has no friends. Definition of loser.” James mumbled. Grace shook her head and laughed again. 

“Well, you have at least one friend now.” She smiled. “No longer a loser.” James looked up, his mouth open in surprise. “See you around?” She asked hopefully. 

“I’d like that.” James smiled slightly as Grace disappeared into the common room happily.

Somehow, knowing there was someone else in the castle who had his back, James felt a lot more at ease as he lay in bed that night. As always his mind wandered to Craig and whether it was right to finally move on. It felt right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! second chapter! I'm uploading this during a storm cuz it's a good distraction so fun times! If you enjoyed please feel free to leave kudos and I love reading comments so let me know what you think! See you next time! ✨
> 
> Twitter - @ray_fish_  
> Instagram - @augurey_ray  
> If you wanna come and say hello! (I'd love that!)


	3. You Never Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James realises that his fears have changed but at least now he has one friend to comfort him.

Wednesday was a dull day and with it brought James’ first Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson of the year. He skipped breakfast and walked straight from the dormitory to the classroom on the first floor. A few other Gryffindors had beaten him there and were gathered at the side of the room. Professor Jackson welcomed him in and ordered him to leave his bag at the back and join the other students by the windows. More students arrived gradually over the next five minutes including Grace. 

James hadn’t seen her since Monday evening and was surprisingly relieved to see a familiar face.

“Hi.” She greeted, joining his side.

“Hi. What do you think we’re doing today?” 

“Well, by the looks of it Boggarts.” James froze. He felt his stomach drop and anxiety crawl up his throat. He swallowed it down when Professor Jackson started to speak. 

“Now I know we’ve done it before but it’s important to practise.” She explained. All of James’ lesson so far had started with reviewing what they’d already learnt. “You’ve all done it before so I expect everyone to have a go. Now line up.” She clapped her hands together and everyone jumped into action.

The last time James had encountered a Boggart he hadn’t worried. His worst fears had been natural and, in his mind, very unlikely to happen. Now, however, he was more concerned about what he might see. Grace seemed eager to go first but she could tell James was less excited about the situation. She grabbed his arm and pulled him to the back of the line.

“I’m sure it’s gonna be alright.” She said encouragingly. “Just as the Professor said, you’ve done it before.”

“A lot has changed since then.” James grumbled under his breath. 

“Huh?” 

“Never mind.”

They watched as the small class took turns to face the Boggart. They were all fairly reasonable things to be scared of but James couldn’t help rolling his eyes at a few. The first one that was remotely surprising was when Pia Patils transformed into a full moon. It wasn’t a secret that she was a werewolf but it still caused a couple of gasps from people who weren’t expecting it. Pia was good at spells and she very quickly turned the moon into a quaffle that fell flat on the floor. It was Graces turn next. She readied her wand as the Boggart shifted, finally stopping on two adults. James assumed they were her parents as they started yelling at her. He couldn’t make out all the words as he felt blood rushing in his ears. He didn’t even see Grace finish with her Boggart parents before James found himself stood directly in front of three people he recognised extremely well and another he wasn’t quite sure of.

“Scorpius? Albus? Everyone’s looking for you-“ Craig yelled. He was out of breath and his green beanie was askew over his dark hair. 

“Craig! Get away. Get help!” Albus cried from where he cowered on the floor next to Scorpius. Their hands were bound together and Albus’ voice shook.

“Avada Kedavra!” The girl said. She didn’t scream or flinch. She simply waved her wand and within seconds Craig’s cold body crashed to the floor. This must be Delphi and this must’ve been how Craig had died. James’ worst fear was seeing exactly how his boyfriend had died and this was it. There was a deadly silence. In what James was seeing and the entire class. James wanted to raise his wand but his body had completely frozen. Tears were dripping from his chin already and he knew he just had to leave. And that’s what he did. 

James ran straight out of the door. He didn’t go far, he slammed his back against the wall further down the corridor and sobbed. James wasn’t usually one for crying. He always bottled up his feelings and tried to act as carefree and nonchalant as possible around other people but when he was alone he was a wimp. He had always been _such_ a wimp and now his whole Defence class had seen that James Potter wasn’t all he was made out to be. He hid his face in his hands as he heard footsteps coming towards him. He couldn’t tell exactly who it was but they sat down beside him and even though it wasn’t much, their presence was comforting enough.

James wiped his face with the sleeve of his robes and looked up to see Grace. She wasn’t watching him, she was simply staring at the wall opposite. James looked away and did the same. 

“Are you okay?” She asked eventually. There was no point in lying. 

“Not really.” James replied. His nose was blocked from all the crying and his voice came out very nasal.

“Do you want to talk about it?” James shook his head but after remembering she wasn’t looking he responded with a small protest.

“You don’t have to be ashamed. Everyone’s scared of something whether that be a spider or…” Grace trailed off. James knew what she was referring to but he also hated how well she could read him after barely knowing him. 

“What about yours?” His voice wavered as he tried to construct a sentence. Grace was silent for a minute and James knew that was a stupid thing to ask. He didn’t want to talk about his so why should he expect Grace to talk about hers.

“My parents.” She answered miserable. “They’re very strict and they never approve of anything I ever want to do. I’ve over heard conversations about arranged marriage and-“ She gulped and took a deep breath. “-I think that’s what scares me the most. Being miserable for the rest of my life when I could be happy with my soulmate.” James respected her honesty but, if he was being honest himself, he wasn’t sure how to respond.

“Do you believe in soulmates.” She asked tentatively.

“I used to.” James shrugged. Grace didn’t push him to say anymore. “But I know what it’s like to belong to a family with high expectations. I know they’re not the same but, in a way, I do understand.” Grace looked at him for the first time and smiled a small smile. 

“Than you.” She whispered.

The bell rang, signalling the end of the lesson and Grace passed James’ bag over to him. He had charms next but he didn’t really feel up to it.

“Do you feel better now?” Grace asked again. 

“A bit. I think I’m gonna go and find my brother. I need to see him. Then I think it would be best to go to lessons even though I’m not feeling up to it. I’m no good if I’m alone with my thoughts.” He explained, lugging his heavy bag over his shoulder. He was about to turn and leave when he stopped.

“Do you know where you’re going?” Grace smiled. 

“Yes thank you. Your tip really helped yesterday.”

“I’m glad. Thank you, by the way.” James allowed himself to smile as they both left in separate directions. It was definitely nice to have a friend, he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! If you enjoyed please feel free to leave kudos and I love reading comments so let me know what you think! See you next time! ✨
> 
> Twitter - @ray_fish_  
> Instagram - @augurey_ray  
> If you wanna come and say hello! (I'd love that!)


	4. It's a Sign

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the first Quidditch game of the season and James has a small realisation after making the right decision.

James knew that Albus had Transfiguration first. He only hoped he could make it there in time to catch him. The class was only just leaving when James got there and, peaking round the door, he could see that Albus and Scorpius hadn’t left yet. He waited for them behind the door and as soon as they walked out he jumped out in front of them. Scorpius squealed in surprise and they both leapt away from each other. Albus’ cheeks went bright red and James eyed them both suspiciously.

“James!” Albus yelled angrily. 

“Sorry! I’m sorry!” James quickly apologised, not wanting to get on Albus’ bad side. 

“What’re you doing?”

“I just wanted to check if you were okay.” James muttered looking at his feet. 

“Of course I’m okay.”

“Yeah, it’s been a bad morning.” Albus’ face softened. “Don’t worry I don’t want to talk about it I just needed to see you.” No one said anything until Scorpius began to tug on Albus’ hand.

“We should probably get to potions. Don’t want to be late.” Albus said.

“Albus wants to impress the new potions teacher.” Scorpius teased.

“No I don’t.” Albus grumbled pulling his hand from Scorpius’ grip to fold his arms stubbornly. That’s when it occurred to James that they’d been holding hands. Lily had mentioned them growing a lot closer during the remainder of their fourth year but this somehow felt a little different. 

“Alright, I’ll see you later.” He turned to leave and stopped when he reached the end of the corridor to look back. Scorpius had retaken Albus’ hand and was dragging him in the opposite direction. He wasn’t sure why but it made James smile and his eventful morning was completely forgotten.

~*~

The first Quidditch game of the season came on a breezy Saturday in mid November. James was confident in the team he had selected and had been brutal in practices that would last way into the night if James thought they needed to work more drills. If he was honest he thought it was probably because he needed distracting, especially in the last couple of weeks. Lily had confronted him on it, told him he needed to calm down but he didn't take her advice.

This year was already better. Albus had made the Slytherin team as keeper and they often practiced together, agreeing that they would never spill the opposing teams secrets. The first match was Gryffindor against Slytherin so for the first time Albus and James would be competing (Albus had always been on James’ team in family games when he participated).

Over the last couple of months James had spent a lot of his spare time with Grace or his family. Grace had become a good friend, always there whenever James felt overwhelmed, and they were gradually spending more and more time together. When Grace finally met Albus it was inevitable that she and Scorpius quickly became friends. They had a lot in common and liked to discuss the subjects they shared while James and Albus talked Quidditch. Albus seemed to like her. She didn’t judge him or Scorpius and it was difficult to find people who accepted both of them.

Today Grace and Scorpius were watching the game together. They weren’t exactly supporting a team but rather their players. They’d both visited the changing rooms excitedly to wish them luck with green and silver painted on one cheek and scarlet and gold on the other. James knew that Scorpius was just grateful he wouldn’t have to sit in the stands on his own.

Both teams flew out onto the pitch and, as Madam Hooch blew the whistle, the quaffle was tossed into the air and the game began. Gryffindor started with the quaffle and scored almost immediately. This seemed to take Albus off guard as it flew through the lowest hoop. This match was important to Albus because it would change how people viewed him and proved that he hadn’t just been put on the team for his name. This was obvious in the determination written across his face. He blocked the next three of Gryffindors attempts to score easily, including one of James’ own. The score was now 30:10 to Slytherin. James took a chance to glance around the pitch, spotting Lily high above him frantically searching for the golden snitch before his attention was snapped back to the game as Molly yelled his name, managing to knock a bludger that had been headed straight towards him. He flashed her a quick smile as a thank you before catching the quaffle from Tina Wood and speeding off down the pitch to score another goal. 

Soon enough Gryffindor were way in the lead giving Slytherin no chance of even getting hold of the quaffle and not much longer after that Lily had effortlessly caught the snitch. The team crowded together, cheering and celebrating.

“Party in the common room later!” Rose yelled. “Make sure you’re there.” James noticed her deliberately aim this at the Slytherin team as they trudged back to their changing room. James tried to catch Albus before he disappeared but he was too engulfed amongst the other players of his own team to escape.

James changed quickly and stuffed all his gear into his locker, deciding he’d come back to pick it up later. He ran out at the same time as Albus and almost knocked him over. Albus looked miserable and he yelled angrily when James ran into him.

“Sorry. Al, you were great!” He exclaimed pulling Albus in for a hug. 

“Albus.” Albus corrected. “My team lost James or are you forgetting that?”

“Only because we have Lily as a seeker. Pip is nothing compared to her.”

“I guess so.” Albus replied looking at his feet as he scuffed his toes on the grass. “Craig was better.” He mumbled. James frowned and tried to swallow the empty feeling as it rose to the surface of his stomach. They were interrupted as Grace and Scorpius came into view. Scorpius picked up his pace and barrelled into Albus.

“You were amazing!” He cried as the impact of Scorpius’ body knocked them both to the floor. Neither of them made any attempt to move and Scorpius hugged Albus tightly from where they lay on top of each other. James turned to Grace who had a fond smile on her face.

“Congrats captain.” She teased. “Up against Hufflepuff next. I guess we’ll see who wins.” She nudged him in the side before reaching up and pulling him into a hug. They’d never hugged before and initially James was shocked but he slowly melted into her embrace, wrapping his arms around her waist.

“Thanks, I appreciate the support.” He laughed. They pulled away still beaming at each other. “Do you want to come to the party later?” James asked. Grace wrinkled her nose.

“No thanks, parties aren’t really my scene.”

“Fair enough.” He turned back to Albus and Scorpius who, although they had gotten up, were still tightly wrapped up in each other.

“Calm down you two.” James laughed as Albus sent him a glare. “You coming to the party Albus?”

“No, we’re just gonna hide in the dormitory and eat sweets.” Albus said gesturing to Scorpius who had settled on clutching Albus’ arm.

“Cute.” Albus rolled his eyes. 

“James can I talk to you. Privately.”

“Okay.” James answered hesitantly. Scorpius reluctantly let go of Albus and Grace waved goodbye saying she’d see them at dinner. “What is it?” He asked when no one else was in earshot. 

“I don’t think you should go to the party.” James frowned. “James, you haven’t been to a party or had any alcohol since-“ Albus paused and glanced in the direction of where Scorpius was waiting for them. “-you know.” He finished lamely. 

“This could be good for me Albus. This could be my chance to get back up on the social ladder.” 

“Is that even what you want? I thought you were happy. Maybe not completely happy but things are getting better and I don’t want you to ruin that.”

“Things are better because I have one friend?” James didn’t want to raise his voice and scare his brother away but he couldn’t help but feel a little angry that Albus was bringing this up.

“Look, think about it but if you do decide to go just know that Lily will be keeping a close eye on you.” Albus raised his eyebrows, almost asking if James properly understood. Then he left to join Scorpius again and James watched as they walked back to the castle.

James sat in the library for the rest of the afternoon. He skipped lunch, something he hadn’t done in a while, and was now grazing on Jelly Slugs and Fizzing Whizbees. Anyone watching him would know he wasn’t studying. James was really thinking. He stared at his Herbology textbook but it was no use, none of the information was sinking in and his parchment was still blank.

By dinner, James was full from all the sweets he’d consumed but he knew Grace would be expecting him so, packing up his books and throwing the empty sweet wrappers in the bin, he trudged down the staircases to the Great Hall.

Grace was already settled at the Hufflepuff table, sipping on soup with her Astronomy textbook open on the table in front of her. She looked up when he sat down opposite.

“I was beginning to think that the party had started early.” She smirked. 

“Alright, I’m late, don’t rub it in.” James grumbled as he helped himself to some bread.

“Are you okay?” Grace asked, picking up on his mood.

“Yeah, I’ve been trying to study all afternoon but it’s been a bit useless to be honest.” He leant his head in his hand and watched as Grace closed her textbook. She sent him a sympathetic look and pushed an empty bowl towards him.

“Please eat something. I know you skipped lunch, Albus told me, and if you’re planning on drinking later you need to have eaten.” She poured a ladle of soup into the bowl.

“Hmm.” James hummed. “About that, I don’t think I’m going to go.” He stirred the small amount of soup with his free hand. 

“Oh?” Grace looked surprise.

“I’m not really sure what I’m going to do but Albus gave me some advice earlier and with my current mental state I don’t think drinking is very responsible.” James explained. He wished he hadn’t given her a reason. That would just bring up more unanswered questions. 

“Wow I’ve never heard you speak like that.” Grace chuckled. “Sorry.”

“It’s just that I haven’t been to one of those parties in a while and the cousin I used to hang out with at them, we kinda fell out last year and I’ll just be a loner so it won’t be much fun.” James sighed. “See Albus has Scorpius and they can just cuddle up in their dormitory together and be cute but I can’t do anything like that.” He felt like adding _anymore_ on the end but thought better of it. 

“You could come back to my common room or something. Maybe not cuddle and be cute but we could get some work done so you don’t have to do it tomorrow.” Grace shrugged. James stared at her with his mouth open. He realised he was being rude and quickly closed it. 

“Alright.” He agreed causing Grace to beam. Perhaps she was just as lonely as him when it came to spending time in your own common room.

The Hufflepuff common room was very different to the usual stone walls surrounding the Gryffindor common room. It was lit softly by floating lanterns and there were long windows that, presumably, overlooked the grounds but it was too dark to see now. Grace led him towards the sofa by the fire where they occupied a round table and lay out parchment for their Defence essay. Grace seemed to get on quite quickly while James merely sat, tapping his quill against the table, watching as her small handwriting filled the page. She had her tongue out in concentration and until she looked up and waved her hand in front of his face, James hadn’t even realised he was staring. He thought back to when he’d been studying with Albus and Scorpius and thought about the glances they gave each other when they didn’t think the other was looking. Was this like that because now James payed closer attention, Grace was beautiful. The small wrinkles on her forehead as she frowned and sat back for a minute to think, the light smattering of freckles that looked more prominent in the glow of the crackling fire and the elegant ringlets of her hair that framed her soft face.

James knew it was bad that he noticed these tiny details. This was something he’d only ever felt around Craig and, going back to his parchment, he distracted himself with the essay question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! We're nearly half way through! If you enjoyed please feel free to leave kudos and I love reading comments so let me know what you think! See you next time! ✨
> 
> Twitter - @ray_fish_  
> Instagram - @augurey_ray  
> If you wanna come and say hello! (I'd love that!)


	5. The Moment Explodes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Overwhelmed by his big family and missing Craig more than ever, James finds himself returning to an old habit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING*  
> This chapter is quite dark and talks about self harm so if you find that triggering please look after yourself and skip this chapter.

Soon enough it was Christmas and James was back on the Hogwarts express. This time last year he hadn’t even been back to school. It was painful to think about but he realised how far he’d come. Of course many things hadn’t changed but a few things had gotten better. He’d spent a lot more time with Grace and realised she was actually great company. Avoiding the Gryffindor party had been a really good idea and James had thoroughly enjoyed his evening laughing and completely forgetting the work they had set out to do.

Some things that hadn’t changed: He still had regular nightmares. Waking up in a cold sweat and being unable to get back to sleep most night. He still felt lonely and often worried he was going mad as he sat up in bed with a silence charm cast around it so that he could talk to Craig when he hit one of his lows.

Boxing Day welcomed the next low period in James’ life. After being overwhelmed by his huge family (he realised how Albus felt now) he went home and shut himself away. It had been a long couple of days and his family still weren’t over the events of Albus’ fourth year. Albus continued to get unwanted attention and, even worse, special treatment from almost everyone. No one thought about how James was coping and he was constantly pushed out of the way. Perhaps this was mostly has own fault for not wanting his entire family to find out about him and Craig just yet. Even the smallest things he’d taken for granted before like hugs and extra helpings at meal times were gone now. Molly Weasley meant well and James knew she wasn’t doing anything to neglect him on purpose but it didn’t mean it hurt any less. When they walked through the Burrow doorway and Mrs Weasley would give James and Lily fleeting hugs before pulling Albus into the warming bone crushing Weasley hug he was used to. It was stupid but James missed it more than he could explain. It had never been a secret that Albus was the favourite grandchild. They just loved his quiet nature but it seemed to effect James a lot more recently. 

James lay on his bed, staring at the frame on his bedside table. It contained a moving picture of himself and Craig one day in Hogsmead. He’d initially kept it hidden away from his parents because they hadn’t known about his relationship and, although James hadn’t officially come out to his family yet, he didn’t want to bother with keeping the part of him that was Craig hidden away anymore. 

He watched as the Craig in the picture leant in and brushed noses with James. They both giggled and then embraced in a warm hug. James remembered that day as if it were yesterday and, if he imagined hard enough, he could still feel Craig’s arms around him.

Before he knew it James was asleep and someone must’ve been in to switch off his light because when his horrific nightmare woke him he found himself unable to see. He scrambled around for his wand and sleepily muttered lumos. The room lit up and, although his heart was racing, James flopped back onto his bed. He could already feel the tears building in his eyes and only stared at his wand as they spilled down his cheeks. James hadn’t felt this awful in months. Everything that was broken about him had slowly began to fix itself this year but here he sat, broken yet again, trying to fit the pieces back together. He let out a strangled sob as his eyes wandered to the floor and landed on the shattered photo frame beside the bed. James jumped to the floor, desperately trying to clear the glass so he could reach the picture. The tiny shards got stuck under his skin and the pain felt mildly good. It distracted his mind from everything he’d just seen in his sleep. He winced a little as he picked up the photo and a particularly sharp piece dug into the tip of his index finger.

James slowly stood up and retrieved his wand and, keeping it dimmed, crept out of his bedroom. Annoyingly his bedroom was located at the end of the hall and to get to the bathroom he had to pass everyone else’s rooms and climb down the stairs without making a sound. James let out a deep breath when he finally closed the bathroom door behind him and the room flooded with bright artificial light. He walked to the sink and turned the cold tap on, rinsing his bleeding fingers under the water. As the pain relieved James felt a sudden urge for it to come back. The empty feeling James always felt when he thought about Craig was bigger than it had ever been and after spending two whole days with his entire family, the realisation that someone was missing only grew.

Overwhelmed by his feelings, James opened the cupboard above the sink and took out an old razor. He removed the blade and slowly ran it up and down his arm. James hadn’t self harmed in a long time. Albus had convinced him to stop when he’d found out. In fact it was only the look on Albus’ face when he caught sight of James’ arms the previous summer that had made him stop but right now, James erased the memory from his brain. 

James’ tears hadn’t stopped and he was struggling to contain his sobs as he watched the blood run down his arm. There was movement in a room above and he quickly hid the razor blade behind some old shampoo bottles. He blotted the blood with a wet cloth before switching off the light and using his wands glow to find his way back to his bedroom. James’ eyes were already drooping as he approached his room. He very swiftly cleaned up the glass from the floor with a quick scourgify and pulled on a new shirt, one that covered his arms. Before climbing back into bed, James glanced back at the door and decided on leaving it open so that the moonlight shining in through the window in the hallway cast a comforting light in the darkness of his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Sorry this is a pretty dark chapter. Poor James. It's currently like 30 degrees in the UK so I'm just writing to procrastinate school work now.
> 
> If you enjoyed please feel free to leave kudos and I love reading comments so let me know what you think! See you next time! ✨
> 
> Twitter - @ray_fish_  
> Instagram - @augurey_ray  
> If you wanna come and say hello! (I'd love that!)


	6. What Would You Do?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything becomes a bit much for James and the only thing he wants more than anything else is to see Craig again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING*  
> More mentions of self harm and attempted suicide. Please stay safe and look after yourselves.

Winter melted to spring, as did the snow slowly become replaced by nourished grass and sweet smelling flowers. James was running down to the Quidditch pitch as he was very almost late to practice. As the captain he knew it was irresponsible to be late but he’d been caught up finishing homework with Grace in the library.

Reaching the Quidditch pitch, he saw the team already flying laps round the pitch and an impatient Rose stood in the middle with two brooms in hand. She was yelling demands and didn’t hear James approach from behind him.

“What are you doing?!” He demanded.

“Oh there you are.” She replied irritably, handing him his broom. “I was just getting them started while we waited for you. As co-captain-“

“You’re not co-captain.” James interrupted. “We don’t have a co-captain on this team.”

“But when you’re not here-“ Rose started up again. 

“I’m always here.” James snapped. “Maybe I was late. Once. But I’m always here. And who said you would be co-captain. Decide that yourself did you?” James rolled his eyes and shook his head as he mounted his broom and joined the rest of the team. Rose shot right after him and she must’ve understood how impatient James was because she didn’t argue with him the rest of practice.

It had been an early Saturday afternoon practice that James had slipped into the schedule and he was in a rush to finish up before they ran overtime and Slytherin would force them off. James called the team to the ground and read out a few notes he’d made during the practice before dismissing them. 

“Lily and Rose will you help me put the kit away?” He asked. Every team had their own set of Quidditch bats and balls after a long run of ambushes where the other teams would charm them before the next team would use them so that it messed up their practice. James rolled up his sleeves and went to pick up one handle while Rose took the other and Lily collected the beaters bats that had been dumped on the Astro beside it.

“James, what?” He heard Rose speak before he could pull the box from the ground. Her voice wavered and sounded uneasy, very unlike her usual confident tone. Then Lily gasped and when he finally looked up to see what the matter was Lily had her hand over her mouth, the bats dropped at her feet and Rose just stood there staring at him, unreadable. That was when he felt the light breeze on his arms. Looking down at them James realised the mistake he had made. He’d avoided exposing his arms since Christmas, always wearing long sleeved shirts or keeping a jumper or his robes on. It had been cold after all but now? Now he’d gone and blown it.

James rapidly pulled his sleeves back down but it was already too late. Lily had tears in her eyes as she continued to stand and stare at him while Roses look became fiery and angry and honestly terrifying. She moved round to stand next to him and yanked his sleeve back up, revealing the raw, pink flesh. One cut was bleeding from where James must’ve knocked a scab off during practice.

“James!” Rose exclaimed. She sounded angry and upset at the same time. James wasn’t sure which would be worse. Rose hardly ever got upset, she was too stubborn.

“It’s nothing Rosie.” James muttered. 

“Don’t you dare Rosie me James! This is serious!” She screamed. He knew she hated the name Rosie but that wasn’t an important thought right now. He was about to reply when the Slytherin team appeared from the changing rooms and started their way to the middle of the pitch where they were stood. Albus noticed them first and sprinted towards them, probably to greet them. His captain called after him but he yelled something back and dropped it. James didn’t catch what it was. 

“Hey guys what’s-“ He stopped when he saw the looks on all of their faces. His eyes grew wide in fear. “James, you said you’d stopped.”

“I did but-“ James began, he glanced up at the stands and noticed a small blonde dot. “Is Scorpius here?” He squinted and pulled his arm free from Rose. 

“Shut up and don’t change the subject!” Albus said sharply. James sighed.

“I’m sorry okay. It’s not that big of a deal can we just go now?”

“Not a big deal?! You are literally hurting yourself James!”

“What’s going on?” Molly walked out from the changing rooms, her bag slung across her shoulder and dressed back in her casual clothes. No one stopped to fill her in. Albus had his arms wrapped around Lily who was fully crying now.

James’ hands were starting to shake now and a cold feeling wrapped around his body.

“This is why you’re constantly wearing hoodies all the time.” Rose said quietly in realisation.

“You’re right.” James looked up at Albus, his mouth was hanging open. “You’re James. You always walked around with barely any clothes on. How did I not notice?” Albus looked angry at himself.

James was done. He hated Rose and Albus getting along. The whole reason why James and Rose _hadn’t_ been getting along was because of how she treated Albus when they first started Hogwarts.

“You don’t get it do you! You have no idea what I’m going through and no one ever seems to care enough to ask! You care now but do you really?” Everyone was silently in shock at James’ sudden outburst. “Please just leave me alone okay!” James yelled, pushing Rose out of the way and running straight back towards the castle. He went straight to the dormitory where he sat behind the hangings flipping through a photo album he kept at the bottom of his trunk. Tears stung in his eyes as he passed by family photos and old ones with friends. Nearer the end were the more recent memories. There were pictures with Grace and Albus and Scorpius, all happy yet there would always be something missing. Rolling up his sleeves again, James watched as more blood rolled down his arm from the small scabs he’d accidentally knocked off as he did so. His right wrist was sore from where Rose had grabbed it to inspect it. His mind ran back to the Quidditch pitch. None of his family seemed to care why James’ arms were like they were, they all just wanted him to stop but they never addressed the issue. No one ever wanted to talk to him about Craig to help him get a hold of his feelings. Grace was the only person who had offered, on their third encounter but he had pushed her away.

“Argh!” James tore off his Quidditch jersey, which he had yet to change out of, and threw it onto the bed in frustration. Anger filled his blood as he felt a rush of adrenaline. He couldn’t do this anymore. He needed to get away from this world and he needed to see Craig, the love of his life, again. Kicking off his Quidditch boots and shin pads, James padded to the bathroom.

The cold floor on his bare feet felt like more of a foundation than anything had in a long time but it wasn’t enough. Nothing was ever enough. James rummaged through one of the cupboards under the sink, the one he knew belonged to his dorm mate, Chris Bell. They’d been friends before and James knew that Chris took sleeping draughts most nights to help him sleep. Sleeping draughts were known to be addictive but Chris had been prescribed them from his healer. James found it odd but now was no time to dwell on it. He found several bottles and with one last shaky breath he closed his eyes and downed one whole. James felt his body go numb and for a moment all he could feel were the tears dripping off his chin. Then he felt his eyes grow heavier and his legs weakened under his weight. The last thing he felt was his entire body slam to the hard bathroom floor.

~*~

“What happened?” Someone demanded, it sounded like a girls voice.

“I’m not sure. I found this, empty, beside the sink.” Perhaps that was a boy. He wasn’t sure who though. 

“You think he downed the whole thing?” The girl again, her voice was wavering.

“The recommended dose is only a small syringe whenever the drinker needs help sleeping.” A man spoke this time. He sounded a lot closer.

“Oh my god!” The girl gasped. “You think this was an-“ She didn’t finish her sentence.

James opened his eyes but immediately shut them again after a split second because the light was blinding. He grimaced but he didn’t have the strength to move so he just lay there listening to the voices and trying to decipher who each person was. 

“Thank you Chris. You may leave now.” Oh, so Chris was here and was that Madam Pomfrey? He heard the doors close from somewhere in front of him and after that there was silence other than a small muffled sniffling. A chair scraped and there was suddenly a soft, soothing voice that James knew very well. 

“Ssh.” A woman hushed. “It’s alright now. We got him here just in time.” His mother. That was James’ mother. He wanted to cry out, the sound of her voice kept him grounded.

“I’m sorry.” The girl spoke again. “I know I haven’t known your son for very long but- but he’s been so good to me.” She let out a strangled sob and, fitting the pieces together James realised that was Grace. Grace was here and she was worried about him. He was hurting her. He’d never wanted to hurt her.

“Don’t you apologise.” Ginnys voice was very serious all of a sudden. “You two are friends. He’s always spoken very highly of you. And you befriended him when no one else did. If anything you’ve saved him.”

“But I haven’t. He still felt the need to do this.” Grace sobbed again.

“It’s true.” That was his dad, he was sure of it. Very close on his left. James wanted to sigh with relief. They were all here. The people he loved. Hang on, loved? James swallowed down those final thoughts before deciding enough was enough. He couldn’t stand to hear Grace so upset any more. He let out a small groan and attempted to open his eyes again. Although he couldn’t quite make out the figures looming over him he could tell they’d all frozen. As his vision cleared he suddenly became aware of his surroundings. There was beeping in the room and James realised he wasn’t where he thought he was. This wasn’t just the hospital wing and that voice obviously hadn’t been Madam Pomfrey. 

“Where am I?” He croaked. His mouth was incredible dry and he started to cough. Harry forced him to sit up, despite his body’s protests, and handed him a glass of water. James downed it and fell back against the pillows, letting out a sigh of relief.

“St Mungos honey. Grace has gone to get a healer don’t worry you’re fine now.” Ginny propped up the pillows for James to sit more comfortably. He scrunched his eyes in pain and Ginny eyed him in concern.

The healer arrived a few minutes later with Grace in tow. She nervously excused herself from the room and left James with his parents. The healer ran a few silent tests and when she seemed satisfied, pulled a chair closer to James’ bed.

“Hi James, I’m Healer Edison. How’re you feeling?” She asked kindly.

“Like shit.” James replied honestly. She nodded and held up her clipboard ready to make notes.

“Can you explain exactly how you’re feeling?”

“My body aches, my stomach kills, my head hurts, my throat’s sore.” The healer wrote down everything and then explained that it was uncertain when James would be released before leaving. Ginny took hold of James’ hand and squeezed tightly, there were tears building in her eyes and James felt the guilt climb up his throat. “I’m sorry mum.” He whispered. She smiled weakly.

“Why’d you do it son?” Harry took his other hand and stroked his hair back absentmindedly.

“I- I just- I was angry.” James stammered. “And, more than anything, I wanted to see Craig again.” He hadn’t even realised he’d started crying but Ginny was gently wiping tears from his cheeks as tears of her own flowed down her face.

“I miss him so much mum.” James’ voice cracked as his body rattled with sobs. “I miss him more than anything in the world and I just thought that- that maybe there was a chance we could be together again.” He took a deep shuddering breath. “I sometimes feel overwhelmed and I usually cope differently but it all got too much and it hit me all in one go and-“ James was struggling for breath. Harry placed a strong hand on his shoulder and James immediately felt himself calm down.

“It’s okay.” His dad murmured. “I understand what that’s like.” James wasn’t sure he did. Harry had Ginny. He hadn’t lost the love of his life, the one person who made him happier than anyone else. James decided not to mention it. There was a quiet knock on the door before it opened a crack and Lily peeked in. She must’ve seen James was awake and pushed the door open full force. She timidly approached the bed, fiddling with her bracelet. James sent her the most reassuring smile he could and saw how her face lit up. Harry stood and let Lily take his place. James’ hand began to shake the second Harry dropped it and Lily quickly picked it up, stroking his knuckles with her delicate fingers.

“I’ll go and check on the others. Let them know you’re okay.” Harry said, leaving the room.

“The others?” James asked.

“Just Albus, Scorpius and Grace. Grace only arrived like half an hour ago but she’s so worried about you. Scorpius has been trying to distract Albus with revision but Albus is convinced this is his fault. Nothing new there.” Lily explained, her voice as soft and reassuring as their mothers.

“Of course the whole family knows you’re here but I asked them to stay at home or school. Make everything less stressful for you.”

“Thanks mum.” James said. “I really appreciate that.” James hated being the weak one and he hated when his family saw him vulnerable. He was meant to be the funny one. The one pulling pranks and cracking jokes. James was suddenly very tired and he could already feel his eyes drooping. “I- sleep.” He muttered before he felt himself drift away from the room.

James had a dream for the first time since Craig’s death. He’d only ever had nightmares so when nothing horrific happened he felt fairly intrigued. He was in a bright room, almost like the hospital room and there was a gentle tap on his shoulder. He turned almost effortlessly and Craig hovered just beside him.

“Craig?” He asked, hardly believing his eyes. Craig said nothing. There were tears in his eyes and James reached over cautiously to wipe them away. They stared at each other for what could’ve been hours in James’ dream. Then Craig jumped on him and wrapped him in a tight hug. James returned the hug, his arms falling around Craig’s waist as he pulled him as close as possible. Craig hid his head in James’ chest while James rested his forehead against Craig’s shoulder. It was the most warmth he’d felt in a long time. When Craig pulled away he held onto James’ arms tightly and stared him directly in the eye.

“Promise me you’ll move on?” His voice was light and airy. James only stared back at him, amazed to hear Craig’s voice again no matter how faint it was. “Jamie you need to move on.” Craig’s voice was more demanding now. James could only nod.

“I’ll try. I promise I’ll try.” James swallowed. “Did you read my letter?” Craig avoided his question and continued. 

“I know there’s someone out there for you. Just because I’m gone it doesn’t mean you can’t find love again and I think they’re closer than you realise.” James tilted his head slightly in confusion. Craig smiled and stroked James’ cheek before dropping his arms to his side. “Someone out there still needs you.” He finished before looking back up at James through his dark fringe. James realised how long it had been. Over a year now and he had obviously grown a lot because Craig had always been the same height as him but now he had to crane his neck to meet Craig’s eyes.

“Okay. But only because I love you.” James managed, his throat beginning to throb again as every word became a struggle.

“I love you too.” Craig’s voice was even more distant now and as he turned to leave the last view James got was a slightly blurred outline of his boyfriend before the sounds from the hospital brought him back to earth.

The beeping felt loud in his ears and he struggled to pull himself up in bed. Still feeling slightly dazed James scanned the room until his eyes landed on the chair beside his bed, previously occupied by Lily. Lily was gone now and the only people in the room were Albus and Scorpius curled up together in the uncomfortable looking plastic chair. Albus was nested tightly to Scorpius’ chest as Scorpius held him in his lap. James watched suspiciously before thinking back to his dream. Had it even been a dream? James wasn’t sure but all he knew was that he felt a lot better. The warmth from Craig’s hug still lingered and it suddenly occurred to James that this was Craig’s way of letting go. This was closure. For both of them. Craig needed this just as much as James had.

With minimal effort, James reached out to the table beside the bed and grabbed the parchment left there. There was also a muggle biro and he turned the parchment over to write on the plain side. He scribbled down the entire conversation and read it back over and over until light peeped through the bottom of the blind in the window of James’ tiny room. Albus stirred slightly as the light crept over him. His eyes flicked open and landed on James. He blushed bright red and looked away. James smirked. 

“So? when did this happen?” He asked.

“A while ago. We decided to come out yesterday, it was a distraction for mum. She was a complete mess and needed something else to focus on and it kind of just happened.” Albus shrugged.

“That’s great little bro. I’m proud of you.” Albus beamed and crawled from Scorpius’ lap to sit on the edge of James’ bed.

“Yeah. I guess it was you who gave me the courage. I think mum and dad have realised what your relationship with Craig really was and they accepted it.” James beamed. “Can I hug you?” Albus asked nervously.

“Of course you can.” James smiled and held Albus tightly. James grinned behind his back. He’d just won 10 galleons from his cousin Fred.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Sorry for another dark chapter but it does get lighter after this.
> 
> If you enjoyed please feel free to leave kudos and I love reading comments so let me know what you think! See you next time! ✨
> 
> ALSO I'm hoping to take part in Scorbus Fest 2020 but I'm gonna need a Beta so if anyone can advise anything please let me know! <3
> 
> Twitter - @ray_fish_  
> Instagram - @augurey_ray  
> If you wanna come and say hello! (I'd love that!)


	7. Some Other Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James opens up to Grace.

James spent the rest of the morning thinking about his strange dream/vision (he wasn’t entirely sure what it had been) until his parents returned and Healer Edison had to run more check ups. Albus and Scorpius had gone back to Hogwarts and, while his parents went to get coffee, James scanned over the parchment again. His handwriting was exceedingly messier than usual due to his weakened muscles but he could still make out what each word was.

He was interrupted when Harry and Ginny pushed the door open again, Healer Edison straight behind them, chatting idly. James quickly hid the parchment under his pillow.

“It’s good to see you awake James.” She smiled as James’ parents sat on his left so that the healer could run some tests. “Are you feeling any better?”

“My throat feels better but my stomach still feels weird.” James explained.

“You should try and eat something. I’ll ask a nurse to bring something in.” She turned around and began to rummage through some papers. “You haven’t seen the notes I made last night have you?” James shook his head even though he knew exactly the parchment she was missing.

“Nope. Albus might’ve eaten it though. He was very hungry when he woke up.” James decided to laugh it off. Healer Edison chuckled before informing them that she’d be back shortly to run a few blood tests. James grimaced at the thought.

“You seem a lot chipper this morning James.” Harry smiled.

“Hmm.” James hummed. “I slept well.”

“That’s an understatement.” Ginny mumbled. “You were out for 24 hours.” This surprised James for some reason. When he thought about it, it made sense that perhaps that was the reason he felt so well rested.

“You slept for 24 hours and still slept through another whole night.” Harry laughed. He seemed to be in a good mood whereas Ginny still looked glum.

A nurse arrived a little later, she brought him toast and James ate it in contented silence. Harry excused himself for work and Healer Edison came back for the blood tests. Ginny stayed with him and distracted him from the needles in his hand.

“If it’s alright with you, Grace would like to see you.” Ginny said calmly as James squeezed his eyes closed in pain. James nodded.

“I think I owe it to her. She’s been so patient yet she has no idea what I’ve been through.” James muttered. It was inevitable, the time would come and this seemed to be the perfect opportunity.

“She’s in the café down the corridor. I can go and get her when you’re done.” James nodded again.

“That would be nice.” He smiled.

~*~

James was flicking through his charms revision cards when the door flung open, almost causing him to jump from the bed. He wouldn’t have gotten very far due to the small tube connecting his hand to the machine beside the bed. Grace realised she’d frightened him and closed the door sheepishly behind her before composing herself and walking towards James. Her hair was unusually pinned back into a loose bun and she looked pale and sickly. Grace sat in one of the plastic chairs on his right and took his hand.

“Sorry.” She said gesturing to the door with a small tilt of her head.

“It’s alright. You just took me by surprise.” James looked down at their joined hands and then back at Grace who was staring at her shoes. She sniffed slightly and James gave her an inquisitive look. “You okay?” He asked.

“Yeah I just-“ Grace looked up and wiped at her face. “You scared me. You scared everyone.”

“I scared you?”

“Of course!” Grace having him an accusing look. “You’re my best friend.” James was touched by this.

“I thought that maybe you just put up with me.” James mumbled averting his gaze to stare down at their joined hands. There was a short silence before Grace spoke again. 

“Is that really how you feel?” She asked quietly. James sighed and ran his free hand down his face.

“I have a lot of explaining to do. I’ve kept you in the dark for too long and-“ He took a deep breath. “And you’re my best friend too.” Grace squeezed his hand reassuringly.

“Look, I used to be top of the year, super popular and all that. Everyone’s random one night stand.” He chuckled slightly at the thought. “I wasn’t very committed to anything or any _one_ for that matter but I guess I was attractive so girls, and boys were all over me all the time.”

“You’re still attractive.” Grace said, blushing as she suddenly realised what she’d said. James raised his eyebrows but chose to continue.

“McGonagall said herself that I was looking good to be head boy. Not sure I ever believed her but all of that was thrown away at the start of my sixth year.” James paused and squeezed his eyes shut. He hadn’t worded any of this out loud before. Grace was good company. She sat patiently allowing him to take his time.

“Albus and Scorpius got caught up in all this time turning stuff. It was a mess and it was terrifying but they were kidnapped by Voldemorts daughter.” James could only stare in front of him at the white washed walls, the frequent beep of the machine ringing in his ears. “My boyfriend was a prefect and he was on duty that night and he was helping my parents and McGonagall to find them but-“ There were thick heavy tears already trailing down his face. “But Delphi, that was Voldemorts daughter, killed him. No second thoughts just in the blink of an eye he was gone and my brother had to witness that.”

James took a pause to take a few more breaths as he began to sob. Grace kept a tight grip on his hand, but still gentle enough that it didn’t hurt from where he was attached to the machine. She rested her other hand on his arm, rubbing her thumb across his shoulder soothingly.

“He was the second committed relationship I’d ever had and losing him was the worst possible thing and the last possible thing I ever thought could happen. He was my soulmate, I’m sure, I’d never felt like that about anyone before. It was such a different feeling and I guess I just broke down.” James’ voice wavered. “I didn’t go back to school until after Christmas and when I did I isolated myself. I lost all of my friends and I’d never been alone before but suddenly I was. A few girls still pined over me, asking me to Hogsmead and stuff but they soon gave up. I was no longer the person I had been. I was a depressed, boring loner that no one really wanted to be around anymore. Like a black cloud. But then you appeared and you wanted to be around me and everything suddenly started to get better.”

“My family have been okay. Albus always gets more attention though and last Christmas that really got to me and I started to self harm.” He gestured to his arms and Grace nodded solemnly, probably because that had already been explained to her. “I continued to, as a way of coping and then the other day everything became too much. I just needed to see him again.” Grace pulled James into an unexpected hug. She held him tightly and he wrapped his arms around her and held on like she was his anchor in the middle of a raging storm.

“It’s okay.” Grace whispered repeatedly as James sobbed into her shoulder. Maybe she was right. Everything could be okay if he let it. He pulled away, remembering his dream.

“Can I tell you something else?” Grace nodded. “Last night I had this strange dream. It was more of a vision, I can’t really describe it but I met Craig, my-“ He hesitated unable to decide how to address him. “-boyfriend and we had this whole conversation. I wrote it down.” James pulled the parchment out from under his pillow. It was very personal but he felt he could trust Grace. She skim read it and then looked back at James with wide eyes. “He hugged me as well and even after I’d woken up I could still feel his warmth. I know it sounds crazy!”

“No James. This isn’t crazy at all. See, I think this was Craig’s way of saying goodbye one last time. There’s a theory that after you die you can visit one person before you move onto the next stage of the afterlife. I’m not sure exactly _how_ it works but I think this was closure for both of you.”

“It felt like closure and when I woke up I just felt so much better inside.” James explained, relieved that she didn’t find him weird.

“I think what he told you is almost like his dying wish.”

“He wants me to move on.” James nodded sadly. “That’s what everyone says but just hearing it from him, it sounds so much easier.”

“You shouldn’t give up hope. There’re so many people who love you in this world and they need you. I need you.” Grace whispered. “Unlike you I was never quite as popular and when you were happy to be my friend it was such a relief. You’re a good person James and I love being your friend.”

“Even though I’m Bi?” He let out a watery laugh. He meant it as a joke but deep down it was because he wasn’t sure how else to bring it into conversation. He wanted to double check she understood.

“Of course. Don’t be silly.” Grace scolded fondly. “Now how about I help you with that revision?” James beamed and handed her his revision notes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Only two chapters left! If you enjoyed please feel free to leave kudos and I love reading comments so let me know what you think! See you next time! ✨
> 
> Twitter - @ray_fish_  
> Instagram - @augurey_ray  
> If you wanna come and say hello! (I'd love that!)


	8. You Don't Need To Love Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Grace discuss their relationship and leaving Hogwarts. Grace reassures him that it's okay to take time for yourself.

“Wow! Exams are over!” Grace sang as she reached the top of the astronomy tower. She was out of breath as she leant over the rail and let her hair fly loose in the soft breeze. James followed just behind after losing the race to the top. He folded his arms on the railing beside her and closed his eyes allowing the warm air to tickle his face.

“Never thought I’d make it.” James laughed. Grace gave him a look and James immediately felt guilty for joking. Of course there _had_ been a point where he really wasn’t sure whether he would.

“How did your transfiguration exam go then? Or transfig as you cool people seem to call it here.” Grace laughed, holding up her hands in a mocking peace sign as though she was trying to act cool.

“Hey!” James elbowed her in the arm as she giggled. He watched her with a fond smile as she turned back to the look out at a group of owls that were passing by. “It went great actually.” Grace smiled and tilted her head so she could look up at him and James felt the incredible urge to kiss her. So he did. It was quick and soft but it shocked James right to the core. With no idea what else to do, James burst into tears.

“I’m so sorry.” He choked. “I haven’t kissed anyone since…”

“Hey hey hey.” Grace took his face in her hands. “It’s okay calm down.” James shook himself, trying to shake the guilty feeling that bubbled in his stomach.

Once Grace had helped to calm his breathing James’ tears had slowed. He had sunk down to the floor with no intention of getting up again and Grace sat beside him. 

“It’s just that-“ James paused. He wasn’t sure how he could come back from this. “I really like you but I keep pushing the feeling away because I just feel guilty.” He explained. Once again Grace listened intently with the greatest amount of concern written across her face.

“That’s okay. You’ve been through a lot, it’s normal.” Grace soothed, stroking the back of his hand with her thumb.

“I have two voices in my head. One is Craig telling me to move on and the other is my own guilt _at_ moving on.” James hung his head, feeling ashamed.

“For the record, I really like you too James. A lot.”

“You do?!” James was surprised by her confession.

“Yes!” She persisted. “And I don’t care what you need, time to think or even just a break from seeing me, I will always be here.” James felt a fresh wave of tears hit.

“I just don’t want you to wait only for me to hurt you.” He sniffed. Grace gave him a sympathetic look.

“Sometimes, James, you have to be selfish. In some situations it's good to put yourself first.” She wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” James leant into her embrace and thought about what she’d said. He needed to look after himself. After all this time he’d been neglecting his own health. James stared down at his arms. They were still heavily scarred but no longer stung or bled every time he changed his shirt. After leaving St Mungos the healers had bandaged them up and had given him ointment that would help. James would go back every week for a check up and to also see a therapist whilst he was in the midst of his NEWT examinations. It had helped a lot and _finally_ James felt like things were changing for the good.

“Will it feel strange leaving after so many years?” Grace asked.

“Hmm maybe.” James mused. “But I’m looking forward to leaving everything behind and finally starting a new life with people who don’t know about my past you know? I’ll be able to make new impressions.”

“That’s a good way of looking at it.” Grace stood up and walked back over to the railing. James hesitated before following, watching as she beckoned a small barn owl over. It landed on the railing beside her and she petted it gratefully, taking the letter from its beak. James walked over and stroked his hand down the owls soft back. Grace turned the letter over and grimaced at the wax seal that was so neatly placed over the envelopes fold.

“Everything okay?” James asked sceptically.

“It’s from my parents.” She sighed, tearing the seal and pulling out a thick wad of parchment. It wasn’t something Grace liked to talk a lot about but James knew enough that she didn’t much like life back at home. “It’s just another ‘check in’ letter.” She made air quotations with her free hand. “Basically just another letter telling me about some family friend I should meet as a ‘possible suitor’” James frowned for her. “All I asked in my last letter was to move out.” She sighed again and leant her head on James’ shoulder.

“Life is complicated.” Grace let out a watery chuckle.

“If you’ve taught me anything it’s that things can get better and they can resolve.” She replied.

“You’re right about that.” James smiled. He took one last glance at Grace as she gazed wistfully down at the forest. “Come on. I’m starving.” Grace laughed lightly and they both went down to dinner, making the most of the limited meals they had left in the castle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I'm actually quite sad that this is almost over but also proud of myself for actually posting consistently.
> 
> If you enjoyed please feel free to leave kudos and I love reading comments so let me know what you think! See you next time! ✨
> 
> Twitter - @ray_fish_  
> Instagram - @augurey_ray  
> If you wanna come and say hello! (I'd love that!)


	9. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James finally asks Grace to accompany him to visit Craig's grave.

**August 2022:**

The sun shone brightly through the swaying vines of the weeping willow beside the crystal clear pond. James sat at the waters edge, his legs hanging over the wooden pontoon. He clutched at a small bouquet of lilacs and statice, his usual flower choice for when he visited Craig.

James had thought about doing this for a while but he’d wanted to wait until he was completely ready. The right time just hadn’t been clear until now. 

The iron gate creaked open behind him and James twisted to see who was entering the yard. Grace strode towards him, her hair lightened by the sun. She beamed at him and James smiled back weakly. He was glad to see her. It had been a while and since his family holiday in France, James had taken a lot of time to think. He’d always visited Craig’s grave alone. It was the only place that he could sit and talk and no one was ever around to give a damn. Of course, James knew he wasn’t the only person to ever visit. Albus would often sneak out with flowers and it was only when James recognised those same flowers beside the headstone that he truly understood. It still made his heart heavy to think that his little brother still felt responsible for all of this.

After a long debate James had finally decided to let Grace visit with him.

“Hey.” She whispered softly. James turned and wrapped his arms around her. He hadn’t realised just how much he’d missed her. He gestured for her to sit beside him. James didn’t want to say anything just yet. The silence was peaceful and it had become part of his routine when coming to the graveyard. Grace respected that.

Shortly after her arrival James took a deep breath and stood up. He held his hand out for Grace and she took it, gladly allowing him to pull her up from the pontoon. He didn’t let go as he led her down the gravel path and under the willow vines.

Although the graveyard was situated in a muggle village and looked small from the outside, past the weeping willow lay another section seen only by the wizarding world. When they passed through onto the other side Grace gasped. James couldn’t blame her, it truly was a beautiful sight.

The pond carried through on a stream and at the furthest end of the lawn was a small waterfall. You could no longer hear the occasional car pass by on the road or the ringing of the church bells every hour. James followed the path to the left and stopped in front of a small round stoned grave. It was kept neat, grass and wildflowers grew all around it and a small vase sat in the middle. James knelt down and took the old withered flowers from the holder and poured the dirty water into the grass. With his wand he cast a quick Augmenti and arranged his fresh flowers neatly. Grace stood a little away, allowing him enough space.

“Thank you.” James whispered. His voice was barely audible but it didn’t need to be. Craig could hear him. James swivelled on his heal and Grace took a couple of steps forward. 

“James?” She hesitated. “Are you okay?” She reached a hand up to stroke his cheek gently. James nodded and took her free hand in his.

“Thank you for being here.” He sniffed. “It’s taken a really long time for me to face bringing anyone else here, not even my parents, but I’ve been thinking a lot and I’ve never felt this way about anyone other than Craig. It just feels natural to bring you.”

“I’m so glad I could be here.” She gently leant up, still cupping James’ cheek and pressed her lips firmly to his. It was short and sweet but the warmth that radiated from Grace felt right. Felt like home. He smiled and pulled her into a tight hug. She squeaked in surprise but hugged him back just as fiercely. When they pulled away Grace looked past him at Craig’s small headstone.

“May I?” She gestured towards it. James nodded and let her take his hand, pulling him closer to the grave again. Holding out her wand, Grace created a small wreath weaved from a variation of different flowers. Lilys, poppys, roses and daisys. She then wrapped her arms around James’ stomach and snuggled into his side.

“It’s beautiful. Thank you.” James inhaled the scent of the wild flowers and listened to the song of a nightingale high up in the willow tree.

“Poppy’s have always been my favourite.” Grace said softly.

“I’ll bare that in mind.” James said with an amused smile. He debated whether to voice his next concern out loud but there wasn't much else to lose. “I know I’ll always love Craig and I’m not sure I’ll ever _fully_ stop thinking about him but I love you, a lot, and I’m extraordinarily grateful for your patience.” Grace peered up at him, tears in her eyes.

“I know and I understand that. I’m just glad I can help.” She pressed her face against the bare skin of James’ arm and sighed heavily. “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THAT'S IT! Thank you to everyone whos stuck here till the end. If you enjoyed please feel free to leave kudos and I love reading comments so let me know what you think! I have some more things planned for this collection so keep a look out! ✨
> 
> Twitter - @ray_fish_  
> Instagram - @augurey_ray  
> If you wanna come and say hello!


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